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Post by parfive on Oct 19, 2006 0:32:43 GMT -5
yellow snow joke for Doc
The President goes down to work in the Oval Office one winter morning, takes a look out the window, and blows his stack. Someone peed in the snow right outside his office, and it spells out "the president sucks".
The Secret Service, the FBI and the CIA are all put on the case to track down the infidel. Two days later the FBI director comes back to report to the President.
"We've run all the forensic tests, Mr. President, but there's good news and bad news. The DNA test proves that the Vice President was the culprit."
"I thought it might be that sob," says the President. "So what's the good news?"
"That was the good news, Mr. President . . . . . it was the First Lady's handwriting."
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Post by rockds on Oct 19, 2006 8:09:28 GMT -5
Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 20, 2006 12:29:48 GMT -5
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 20, 2006 12:31:53 GMT -5
Famous Love Story
>
>
> I will seek and find you . .
>
> I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
>
> I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
>
> I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
>
> I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
> finished with you.
>
> And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
>
> All my love,
>
> The Flu
>
> Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 25, 2006 11:02:29 GMT -5
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their Stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked.
"Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt janis. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over Enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and A survival knife. "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her Parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the Knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt janis when she's drinking."
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themax
having dreams about rocks
Member since April 2005
Posts: 61 
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Post by themax on Oct 30, 2006 17:26:24 GMT -5
My 13-year-old son told me this one...
___________________
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup???
Anyboy can roast beef!!!
_______________________
I'm so proud!!!
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Post by ladyt on Oct 30, 2006 18:11:37 GMT -5
Cowboy Humor
A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his locat ion which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"Why, that's right," says the cowboy. "Well, I guess you can take one of my calves."
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows....
Now give me back my damned dog."
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Post by sandsman1 on Nov 4, 2006 20:42:56 GMT -5
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch . . you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.....
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous looking and help with the housework.
"Oh mercy me" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the
sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the
women who can handle the truth!
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Post by sandsman1 on Nov 12, 2006 12:02:16 GMT -5
From an MD. resident to his senator
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC , 20510
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted.
If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the
process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
Pete McGlaughlin, M. D.
Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service @ 1-800-289-1040.
Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer!!!!
I thought this was too good not to share.
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Post by sandsman1 on Nov 15, 2006 21:58:16 GMT -5
ATTENTION:
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE; I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE
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Post by parfive on Nov 16, 2006 0:02:25 GMT -5
WALMART JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the geatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock!***
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Post by parfive on Nov 16, 2006 0:16:57 GMT -5
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares? But do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day
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Post by parfive on Nov 16, 2006 0:22:23 GMT -5
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." W says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." W says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!"
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Post by parfive on Nov 16, 2006 0:34:33 GMT -5
Subject: GETTING OLDER
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to
start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream.
I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!"
Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be
careful.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "
No," he replied, "arthritis.
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Post by Original Admin on Nov 16, 2006 16:19:09 GMT -5
Seven Dwarfs in the bath and they are all feeling happy. Happy got out so they all felt grumpy  |
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Post by deb193 on Nov 16, 2006 19:14:44 GMT -5
The other day my friend Gladys and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a
break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So Gladys called him a sh*t head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
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Post by xenaswolf on Nov 19, 2006 15:38:24 GMT -5
Who is Bubba? BUBBA WAS BRAGGING TO HIS BOSS ONE DAY. "YOU KNOW, I KNOW EVERYONE THERE IS TO KNOW. JUST NAME SOMEONE, ANYONE, AND I KNOW THEM." TIRED OF HIS BOASTING, HIS BOSS CALLED HIS BLUFF. OK, BUBBA, HOW ABOUT TOM CRUISE?" SURE, YES, TOM AND I ARE OLD FRIENDS, AND I CAN PROVE IT." SO BUBBA AND HIS BOSS FLY OUT TO HOLLYWOOD AND KNOCK ON TOM CRUISE'S DOOR,AND SURE ENOUGH, TOM CRUISE SHOUTS, "BUBBA! GREAT TO SEE YOU! YOU AND YOUR FRIEND COME RIGHT IN AND JOIN ME FOR LUNCH." ALTHOUGH IMPRESSED, BUBBA'S BOSS IS STILL SKEPTICAL. AFTER THEY LEAVE CRUISE'S HOUSE, HE TELLS BUBBA THAT HE THINKS BUBBA'S KNOWING CRUISE WAS JUST LUCKY. NO, NO, JUST NAME ANYONE ELSE," BUBBA SAYS. PRESIDENT BUSH," HIS BOSS QUICKLY RETORTS. YES," BUBBA SAYS, "IKNOW HIM, LET'S FLY OUT TO WASHINGTON." AND OFF THEY GO. AT THE WHITE HOUSE, BUSH SPOTS BUBBA ON THE TOUR AND MOTIONS HIM AND HIS BOSS OVER, SAYING, "BUBBA, WHAT A SURPRISE. I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO A MEETING, BUT YOU AND YOUR FRIEND COME ON IN AND LET'S HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE FIRST AND CATCH UP." WELL, THE BOSS IS VERY SHAKEN BY NOW, BUT STILL NOT TOTALLY CONVINCED. AFTER THEY LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE GROUNDS, HE EXPRESSES HIS DOUBTS TO BUBBA, WHO AGAIN IMPLORES HIM TO NAME ANYONE ELSE. "THE POPE," HIS BOSS REPLIES. "SURE!" SAYS BUBBA. "I'VE KNOWN THE POPE A LONG TIME." SO OFF THEY FLY TO ROME. BUBBA AND HIS BOSS ARE ASSEMBLED WITH THE MASSES IN VATICAN SQUARE WHEN BUBBA SAYS, "THIS WILL NEVER WORK I CAN'T CATCH THE POPE'S EYE AMONG ALL THESE PEOPLE. TELL YOU WHAT, I KNOW ALL THE GUARDS SO THEY"LL LET ME JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND I'LL COME OUT ON THE BALCONY WITH THE POPE." AND HE DISAPPEARS INTO THE CROWD HEADED TOWARD THE VATICAN. SURE ENOUGH, HALF AN HOUR LATER, BUBBA EMERGES WITH THE POPE ON THE BALCONY. BUT BY THE TIME BUBBA RETURNS, HE FINDS THAT HIS BOSS HAS HAD A HEART ATTACK AND IS SURROUNDED BY PARAMEDICS. WORKING HIS WAY TO HIS BOSS' SIDE, BUBBA ASKS HIM, WHAT HAPPENED?" HIS BOSS LOOKS UP AND SAYS, "I WAS DOING FINE UNTIL YOU AND THE POPE CAME OUT ON THE BALCONY, AND THE JAPANESE TOURIST WITH HIS CAMERA NEXT TO ME ASKED, 'WHO'S THAT ON THE BALCONY WITH BUBBA`  ? |
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Post by sandsman1 on Nov 20, 2006 20:23:55 GMT -5
good one i know bubba too hahaha
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themax
having dreams about rocks
Member since April 2005
Posts: 61
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Post by themax on Dec 11, 2006 15:25:28 GMT -5
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers it said "Rest in Peace."
The owner was a little peeved and called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there's a funeral taking place today and THEY have YOUR flowers with a note saying "Congratulations on your new location."
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KG1960
has rocks in the head
Member since August 2008
Posts: 512
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Post by KG1960 on Dec 17, 2006 18:57:11 GMT -5
To All My Friends Who Have Barraged Me With Those Countless Informative E-mail's, Thought I Would Show My Appreciation With A Big Thanks !
To Whoever Sent Me the One about Rat Poop in the Glue on Envelopes because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel with Every Envelope That Needs Sealing.
Also, I Now Have To Scrub the Top of Every Can I open For the Same Reason.
I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (Penny Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill Gates/Microsoft
And AOL Are Sending Me For Participating In Their Special E-mail Program.
I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.
I No Longer Eat KFC Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers . As Soon As I Get My Free Dinner Coupons From Applebee's, I Can Eat Again.
I No Longer Use Cancer-Causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.
Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five Minutes.
Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can Remove Toilet Stains.
I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas.
I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "Under God" On Their Cans.
I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave Because It Causes Cancer.
And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Water In The Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face. . . .Disfiguring Me For Life.
I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids.
I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With a Perfume Sample And Rob Me.
I No Longer Receive Packages From UPS Or Fedex Since They Are Actually Al Qaeda In Disguise.
I No Longer Shop At Target Since They Are French And Don't Support Our American Troops Or The Salvation Army.
I No Longer Answer the Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill Totaling $2,374.76 With Calls To Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan.
I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive My Free Replacement Pair From Nike.
I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have Their Recipe.
And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 Dropped In The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.
Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either!
I Can No Longer Drive My Car Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas Companies!
Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death When It Bites My Ass.
And Remember, If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000 People In The Next 7 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head At 5:00 PM This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump.
I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My Next Door Neighbor's Ex-Mother-In-law's Second Husband's Cousin's Beautician ...
Oh! One Last Bit Of Noteworthy News:
South American Scientists from Argentina, after a Lengthy Study, Discovered That People With Insufficient Brain Capacity; Read Their E-mail With Their Hand On The Mouse.
Don't Bother Taking It Off Now, It's Too Late.
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