KG1960
has rocks in the head
Member since August 2008
Posts: 512
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Post by KG1960 on Dec 20, 2006 12:36:37 GMT -5
The phone call: This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause..................
Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.......................
"Uh, okay then,
this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!!
What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool?
Is this 486-5731?"
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Post by parfive on Dec 21, 2006 0:23:38 GMT -5
A little Irish humor:
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing? "
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
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spikeict
fully equipped rock polisher
Alba gu bra! In Promptu
Member since November 2006
Posts: 1,413
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Post by spikeict on Dec 29, 2006 21:42:36 GMT -5
A RTH member and two friends went rock hunting, they had a good day and on the way home the car quit. They went to the only light they could see at a farm house. When the farmer heard their tale he told them that he could probably fix the car but not at night, they would have to wait until morning. He said that two of them could stay at the house but the third would have to sleep in the barn.
The first friend said no problem I'll sleep in the barn, with that he headed off. Five mins later there was a knock on the door, when the farmer opened it there stood the first friend, he said I am sorry but there is a pig in that barn and my culture forbids me to lay in the same dwelling with one.
The second friend said, don't worry about it, I will stay there tonight. But ten mins. later there was a knock on the door and when opened there was the second friend. He said I am so sorry but just as I was drifting off I heard a moo, looked up and found a cow. My up bringing just will not let me sleep near a cow.
The RTH member laughs and says, I have been teathered to the highest peak and rolled my sleeping bag out in the lowest valley to sleep. Being near a pig and a cow will not bother me in the least. So he headed off to the barn.
Sure enough in about two mins. there was a knock on the door, when the farmer opened it, there was the cow and the pig.
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Post by Jack ( Yorkshire) on Dec 30, 2006 3:52:42 GMT -5
Hi All , Just heard this one
"What note do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft ?
A flat Minor " !!!!
Well I thought it was Funny !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jack
Yorkshire UK
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Post by BAZ on Jan 2, 2007 21:58:32 GMT -5
More Irish! ;D Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And whereabouts from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith, it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it - I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!" Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Kelly twins are drunk again."
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free4rms
freely admits to licking rocks
My little pet walrus
Member since January 2007
Posts: 839
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Post by free4rms on Jan 4, 2007 0:18:25 GMT -5
Just by chance, three clergymen died at the same time. When they got to the pearly gates and met St. Peter, he told them that although they had all three made it into heaven, there was a computer glitch and they would have to wait a day or two to get in, when heaven's computer was up and running again. St. Peter told them they could choose to go back to earth in whatever form they wanted until they were summoned back to heaven. The first clergyman said he wanted to be an eagle because he always wanted to be able to fly. And St. Peter turned him into an eagle. The second one said he wanted to be an otter, since they always seem to be having so much fun. So, St. Peter turned him into an otter. The third clergyman hesitated a minute and said....can I really be anything I want...anything at all? And still be allowed in heaven? St. Peter told him yes, there was no limitation. The clergyman then told St. Peter that he always wanted to be a stud. St. Peter looked a little surprised, but made his wish come true. Two days later, after the clergymen were finally brought back to heaven, St. Peter asked his assistant angels if they had any problems finding the three men when it came time to bring them to heaven. They said it was really easy to find the eagle and the otter, since they were right where you expect to find them...flying over a mountain and playing in a stream. But, it took a bit longer to find the third clergyman, he was on a frozen tire somewhere in Alaska.
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Post by xenaswolf on Jan 11, 2007 18:01:07 GMT -5
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007
New Rule .1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule .2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule .3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule .4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule .5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule .6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should be your flavored water.
New Rule .7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule .8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.
New Rule .9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule .10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule .11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule .12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule .13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule .14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule .15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule .16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place . I was attempting to be nice.
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Post by sandsman1 on Jan 11, 2007 22:51:19 GMT -5
A Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print Labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit In printer !!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box Said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... Power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong Instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a Lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming Competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their Arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....ca R swamped because Soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on The stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
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MichiganRocks
starting to spend too much on rocks
"I wasn't born to follow."
Member since April 2007
Posts: 154
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Post by MichiganRocks on Jan 12, 2007 9:26:07 GMT -5
World History Lesson
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals and 2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer and smoking cigars. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
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Post by lonewolfrockhound on Jan 12, 2007 19:53:50 GMT -5
LMAO!
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spikeict
fully equipped rock polisher
Alba gu bra! In Promptu
Member since November 2006
Posts: 1,413
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Post by spikeict on Jan 12, 2007 23:44:28 GMT -5
I started laughing halfway through. Sending it to my dad, I expect the phone to ring by 8am with nothing but laughter on the other end.
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Post by xenaswolf on Jan 13, 2007 14:01:01 GMT -5
Yep, guess I'm a liberal cuz it pissed me off.
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Post by BAZ on Jan 15, 2007 9:23:56 GMT -5
Funny stuff Ron! Of course I could turn around and write one on conservatives that would be just as funny. Truth be known, I can't stand either of the 2!
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earthdog
Cave Dweller
Don't eat yellow snow
Member since June 2006
Posts: 2,731
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Post by earthdog on Jan 15, 2007 22:56:35 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Rednecks Are Real Good At Sensitive Stuff [/glow]
Three Rednecks are working on a cell phone tower-- Cooter, Pete and K.C. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn!! Now, somebody has to go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.
"That's unbelievable! Do you mean to tell me that you told that poor lady that her husband was dead and she gave you that case of beer?"
"Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said "You must be Cooter's widder."
She said, "You are mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser that you are."
Rednecks Are Real Good At Sensitive Stuff.
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thehawke
freely admits to licking rocks
My Lord and Master
Member since January 2006
Posts: 866
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Post by thehawke on Jan 18, 2007 17:47:30 GMT -5
Yep, guess I'm a liberal cuz it pissed me off. Me too. Not to mention the homophobia in the joke was just not what I am used to seeing on this board.
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Post by Toad on Jan 19, 2007 6:55:33 GMT -5
Funny stuff. I have to come here more often.
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Post by lonewolfrockhound on Jan 19, 2007 10:19:02 GMT -5
Yep, guess I'm a liberal cuz it pissed me off. Me too. Not to mention the homophobia in the joke was just not what I am used to seeing on this board. I've posted on boards for a loooong time. This board is tame. I go on the supposition that the boards are what they are, forums for ideas and comments. Not everybody views things the same. Some conflict is bound to occur, but I also believe we need to keep perspective about just where we are. This is the internet. Lots of people say things that piss me off some too sometimes. I get over it quick, laff and carry on. Word to the wise or whatever....................
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Post by lonewolfrockhound on Jan 19, 2007 10:20:27 GMT -5
And a decent sense of humor goes a long way on the boards as well. Being able to laff at one's self is an important measure of maturity IMO.
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Post by Toad on Jan 19, 2007 12:42:54 GMT -5
Well said lonewolf. I laugh at the jokes about 'W' and the ones about the libs.
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Post by lonewolfrockhound on Jan 19, 2007 14:54:28 GMT -5
A funny joke is a funny joke ain't it Toad...lol I get a little antsy when I hear bad jokes about Jesus, but I just "grin and bear it".
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