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Post by rockds on Sept 29, 2005 1:12:42 GMT -5
The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.
Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, "Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America."
Politely, President Bush answered, "If I can help explain things to you, please let me know."
The Iraqi whispered. "My little girl watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese… but there aren't any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?".
President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, "It's because Star Trek takes place in the future."
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Post by rockds on Sept 29, 2005 1:16:40 GMT -5
Bush (Senior) was in his front yard mowing his grass when little W.came out of
the house and rushed straight to the mailbox. Little W opened it, looked in,
then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
As Bush (senior) was getting ready to edge the lawn, looking his son, little
W. came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back, and
then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by his son actions George (senior) asked him, "Is something wrong
son?"
To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps
saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
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Post by rockds on Sept 29, 2005 1:20:20 GMT -5
One more:
John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning.
The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".
So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
"That's wrong," Kerry says. "That would be considered an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"You are completely incorrect" says the Senator. "That would be what we
would consider a great loss".
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying Senator John Kerry was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".
"Fantastic !" exclaims Kerry. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"
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stefan
Cave Dweller 
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Sept 29, 2005 10:43:37 GMT -5
LMAO- Oh Rockds- Is the line in your quote supposed to be Ignorance; prejudice and FEAR walk hand in hand- Or am I thinking of something else?
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Post by rockds on Sept 29, 2005 17:05:48 GMT -5
Yes it is, thanks for the catch, fixed now.
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Post by rockds on Sept 29, 2005 17:12:58 GMT -5
Here's an old one but I still get a kick out of it:
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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Post by rockds on Sept 29, 2005 17:27:50 GMT -5
Before heading south for a rockhounding trip, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...
Hah Tu Spek Suthun:
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
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Post by rockds on Sept 29, 2005 17:31:14 GMT -5
I like this one too and I are from Bama:
Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure
Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________
Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________
Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____
Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed
Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?
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Post by rockds on Sept 30, 2005 10:36:43 GMT -5
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Post by rockds on Sept 30, 2005 10:38:23 GMT -5
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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rollingstone
starting to spend too much on rocks
Member since July 2009
Posts: 236
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Post by rollingstone on Jul 28, 2006 3:15:57 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]NOT FOR KIDS![/glow]
Mickey Mouse goes to see his lawyer, and says he wants to divorce Minnie.
The lawyer listens to Mickey's tale of woe, then says, "Mickey, Im sorry, but you can't divorce your wife just because you say she's crazy."
Mickey replies, "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was f***ing Goofy!!"
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Post by sandsman1 on Jul 28, 2006 3:27:21 GMT -5
hahahaha good one don
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Post by BAZ on Jul 28, 2006 19:51:47 GMT -5
Q. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?  A. Another lawyer.  |
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Post by parfive on Oct 15, 2006 20:30:04 GMT -5
VIAGRA
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."
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Post by LCARS on Oct 17, 2006 1:52:36 GMT -5
Ahhh yes, nice to see the old joke thread back up front.  I thinks it's better to have them all in one thread anyway. |
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 17, 2006 19:55:18 GMT -5
>>>Are You Male or Female?
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>>>To find the Answer, look down.
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>>>Not here, Stupid.
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Post by Bikerrandy on Oct 17, 2006 20:18:08 GMT -5
Good one sands. ;D
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and
he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I
help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstolemy carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you
saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's
weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to
see.
He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are
exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his
crotch and without missing a beat, blurts
out..........
"Holy sh!t ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!"
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 17, 2006 20:38:40 GMT -5
hahahahaha
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Post by sandsman1 on Oct 17, 2006 20:53:20 GMT -5
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Questi on:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000. Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
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Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right...
....Maybe
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. < B> Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
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He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
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stefan
Cave Dweller
Member since January 2005
Posts: 14,113
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Post by stefan on Oct 18, 2006 10:55:58 GMT -5
LMAO- got 2 of them right!!!
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